[man sighs]
Actors are so fucking dumb.
I mean, I just fucking hate when they think that they matter.
So, you made a career of making them think that they matter?
But, you like having nice things. Right?
No, come on, dude. That guy's a fucking joke.
I mean, showing up without shoes to an event like that, so...
I mean I get it. But, to make that much of an effort.
[sighs wearily]
And that fucking Rodney Dangerfield blazer? Grow up!
He has the fucking balls to call me stiff.
We're the people that get them paid.
And he has the fucking gall to call me a fucking...
I should have just knocked him out. But what happens then?
I lose my fucking job.
- Right? - Hmm
I mean...
Fucking shit!
I got fucking poor man's Aaron Eckhart, fucking razzie me in front of all my fucking...
Who the fuck is he? He's a fucking 45-year-old nobody
sitting around, eating cereal, playing Call of Duty, while we all fucking work for him.
What a fucking loser!
I mean, Hung was a mediocre show. What else has he done?
Wasn't he in Boogie Nights?
Wait, who's fucking side are you on?
Well, you asked a question.
Yeah, but I didn't want an answer 'cause it's gonna make me look like a dipshit.
I'm sorry, Joe.
It's okay, Joe. It's just, fuck!
This fucking town.
Knowing aside, I'll fucking behave.
Hey.
- Hey. Hey. Hey. - Hey. Hey.
Hey.
Okay.
[laughs]
- Holy shit! - What, what, what, what?
Oh fuck! Dude, dude, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck is this? You can't keep doing this shit.
-What? -I just missed the fucking... Oh, cock sandwich!
Then just fucking circle back around.
"Circle back around!" It's not fucking that... It's fucking harder than that.
Well, I'm sorry. It was a false alarm anyway.
I thought that it said that we got picked up.
And that we were waiting to hear if we got picked up.
Okay, so, we missed the turn, almost wrecked the car...
because of a false alarm on a web series wardrobe gig?
- Correct me if I'm wrong. - Don't be a dick.
No, no, no, I'm not. I'm just fact checking.
If that's the reason... And now I'm circling around,
and I'm gonna want a fat burger and that's literally, the last fucking thing that I want.
- Or I could go Jack in the Box? - Not for a web series.
Okay.
I let the first one go. I did. But, you're that much of a fucked up asshole
that you actually need to make this a thing?
No, no, no. See, I am just a guy.
Who realizes that there is a lot of fucking one way streets
- down here. - No, you're just...
[laughs]
- such a miserable prick sometimes. You know that? -Yeah.
I mean...
All I do is listen you talk about how you fucking hate actors?
Okay, whoa, just.
You weren't fucking listening. Okay?
Because you were swiping you clammy clam fingers all over your fucking phone.
All I'm trying to do is drive us home.
And vent to my fucking wife.
And to me that seems like pretty fucking reasonable fucking thing to do.
But all you do is vent. That's all you fucking do.
"I hate myself, I wanna kill myself, I wanna fucking shoot myself."
It's all I ever hear.
What do you mean, clam fingers?
Okay, first of all,
I didn't say I wanted to shoot myself.
Yet, tonight, so, obviously you weren't listening.
- All I do is listen. - "All I do is listen."
Okay.
[sighs]
Okay, case in point, do you see what I mean?
See how much it fucking sucks that we missed that fucking turn.
'Cause you're fucking...
It's just fucking super not chill, dude I am just saying.
You're a 33-year-old man.
You can't say "super not chill" anymore.
It makes it tough to be your wife. I'm just saying.
You know what? The fucking self allotted, ten pound, fluctuation buffer
that you give yourself, it makes it tough to be your husband.
Five is ample, sweetheart. Five is ample. Okay?
[laughs]
What's up? What's up?
- No. Nothing. Nothing. - No, please.
-Indulge me, please. What d'you got? -It's nothing.
It's just that there's so much of your mother in you.
Just like, nasty, out of nowhere. And you know what, it's scary.
You should be on something.
[clears throat]
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You just say anything that's gonna make me fucking put a knife in both of our bellies.
But, I'll tell you, it's not gonna work.
It's not gonna fucking work. [sighs]
Because you're dumb.
That's all.
I know, I just oft worry about how you navigate the day.
But, that's all. Those are my concerns.
Because I'm in this too. It's you and me, right?
So I see you got out of bed in the morning and you get in bed at night...
But it's all that space in between where I'm consumed with worry and wonder.
_I'm consumed with wonder how you do it. -Pull the car over.
- I'm not. - Pull the fucking car over!
-Shut the fuck up. What're you doing? -Pull the fucking car over.
- I can't. I gotta get on the... - I can't figure it out.
- Pull the fucking car over. - Okay. Jesus fucking Christ.
Dude. Fuck me.
You could've told me you're such a big fan of Hung.
What the fuck are you doing? Dude, don't fucking hit the driver.
Re you fucking shitting me?
Dude, shut the fuck, what the fuck are you doing? Do not hit the fucking driver.
You gotta be shitting me. Don't hit the fucking driver.
You don't hit the fucking driver.
That's the fucking rule. Don't hit the driver.
-Joe, get in the car. What are you doing? -No fucking Joe. No Joe.
This isn't a great place to prove a fucking point, okay?
-Yeah, okay. -Get in the car, we're going home.
-No, leave me. -What, you're gonna walk around at two fucking a.m.?
No, I'm gonna call Rachel and have her come and pick me up.
-Get in the car, we're gonna go home. -You're not gonna touch me.
You're not gonna fucking touch me.
- Get in the car. - Don't fucking touch me.
-Don't fucking touch me. Don't touch me. -All right.
What the fuck, dude? Hands off my fucking lid.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Okay, okay.
[laughs]
Do you see? See that right now? See, I'm stronger than you.
Physically. A lot stronger, all right? Okay?
And that's what matters. Right now that's what matters.
So you touch my fucking hair again, and all that's fucking off. Got it?
We're done.
Great.
-Okay, let's just fucking go home. Jack in the box is fine. -No.
- Hey. - Fuck hey! We're done-done.
You're a fucking joke.
Argh! My fucking elbow! Fuck!
["Connection Time" playing]
♪
- We haven't had sex in... - A week.
Sixteen days.
Hey, come on.
I figured how important that is, you know.
We just had a nice time. Would you like some more coffee?
- Sure. - Okay, here.
It's almost done, just...
Brush fire.
[laughs]
♪ I take you to places You've never been ♪
♪ No, I'm not a cold hard man ♪
♪ Ow ♪
♪ No... ♪
-Okay, we didn't screw it away, did we? -No.
Oh, fuck.
- I'm sorry. - That's not gonna cut it.
All right, well, I remember us both being pretty sorry
couple of minutes ago when you were, you know, before, when you were...
Okay, I mean, for both of us.
I mean, look at your face.
No one in the world makes me as angry as you do.
Well, that has to count for something then, doesn't it?
I don't know how I get so mean?
God, we can't do this anymore.
You just said that I do something that nobody else in the world can do.
So if I take that thing and make it a positive, you just have to believe that I can.
No, no, dumb-dumb, it's not necessarily that. It's this. It's all of this.
-It's all of this, something has to change, or... -Or?
- No. - I know. But, but...
Hey.
- Hey. Hey. - Hey.
Come here. Okay I'll come then.
- We gotta get out of here. - Yeah.
- I can do it, buddy. - No, No.
Yeah, that wasn't a...
Let's go. We'll go to Palm Srings for the night. Get a room at the Ace.
-No. That's not... Gross and no. -I don't know what else there is then.
- Yes, lowaska, dig? - Joe.
Well, I don't even know what we are talking about any more.
This place is toxic. That's what we are talking about. This place is toxic.
Which makes us toxic. The whole thing, we can't...
We can't stay here.
Can we just start with breakfast, please?
I'm being serious, if you try hanging out with us.
Yeah, we are fun.
Need to be around.
Hey, Joe! Joe. Joe!
Tina said that Dave has a new hair loss treatment?
I think that we should maybe...
[cackling]
You know what I think it is?
I think if you would just stand up a little bit straighter
and throw your shoulders back, and really just kind of...
I don't know. I just think people would take you more seriously.
I'm going to say something incredibly rude.
- And I think that that's... - Don't.
I just don't care...
Your brain's a terrible corner-back.
My brain's a terrible quarterback?
Corner-back. It has bad coverage in your mouth.
Please just shut the fuck up.
Okay, the worst of times, I know. I get it.
But I have this thing called my job.
Okay.
How many times in the last month because of your job have you
threatened to kill yourself or begged me to kill you?
Fuck! I wanna die.
Okay, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna cut my dick off.
And I'm gonna swallow it. Softly, though.
Okay? So it lodges in my esophagus
so if I don't choke to death my dick stump will fucking bleed out.
I don't even deserve to kill myself. That's how bad it is.
And that's why I must.
What do you suggest?
My parents' place in Vermont.
It'll be nice. Real nice. Thursday through Sunday.
-We could be back Monday. -They wanna sell it. They wanna be in Florida.
Okay, I don't know much about the...
housing market out there. But I'm sure it's a good time...
I can't live here any more.
It's sunny everyday.
-Sunny everyday. -I threw a bottle at you last night.
Man, I don't know either, okay?
We gotta go.
I gotta go. Or, or, I gotta go.
'Cause if we stay here, then we're, we're...
I have a job, okay? And you have a job. And we have this fucking house.
We can rent it.
So you threw a bottle at me last night.
You call me fat.
Directly, twice a month. Indirectly, I don't know.
I don't know. Who knows how many times that is.
Not at all completely accurate,
'cause I'm merely suggesting that you not get fat.
Because I am a victim of my condition.
-'Cause I'm a victim of my environment. -That's what I'm saying.
[phone vibrates]
That's cute. Okay.
Guess I've got to run up to Chatsworth to buy James Franco's little brother a bag of Molly.
On my Sunday.
Okay, now this time, when I drop the meth and ask you to drop the toaster in, you're gonna do it.
You get me?
[upbeat music playing]
Okay, okay.
I see what you did.
♪
Fucking Vermont? What are you gonna do there?
I think it's good that you're leaving before the break.
Hold on, I got something really awesome for you.
Yeah, here look at this. It's universe spray.
Cheddar cheese. [sighs]
What do you gonna do out there?
I am gonna take Walt. I'll tell you that much.
Oh, man, it's all happening.
My agent...
I'd like to think that, you miss your friend too, right?
Don't get all Jerry Maguire on me.
Faggot!
Do you still feel like you wanna move back after I sprayed it to you?
♪
Trying to be romantic, though, right?
When are we our worst?
When we're together.
Bit more specific.
- When we're in the car. - Yeah.
What's up, dude?
- Hi. - Hi.
Thanks.
- Oh what the fuck is that face? - [Joe] What? Why?
You just made the graduate face.
- Fuck. - [Joe] I did not just make!
-Do not fuck me here, Joe. -[Joe] I am not gonna fuck you, Joe.
I am sorry. We swear a lot.
We bring out the worst in each other.
Okay.
♪
[laughing]
May I help you with your bags?
Yeah. Great. Sure.
- I guess I'll take this one? - Grab that one.
♪
Not as sketchy as it looks.
-It is wet. -It's not wet. Don't be a pussy.
[Joe laughing]
♪
Well, what do we do now?
I don't know. Whatever we wanna do.
- Thinking it'll be good. - Yeah. Me too.
- We're gonna go? - Yes, Joe. We're gonna go.
- You wanna go. You wanna go. - Yeah.
There you go.
- Love you. - I love you.
I can actually, I swear I can taste the local.
Do you taste the local?
[laughs]
'Cause this pig was raised just down yonder river, just down yonder river.
- Just down. - It's not yonder country.
No. Downriver.
Oh, yonder. Yonder river.
-Okay. -Also, I haven't looked at my phone in how long?
- Big ups, right? For me. - Yeah.
Got more. Take some more.
-This guy. -You can't just ply me with craft beers.
There's nary a 'G.' There's no fucking connection.
-And you knew this. -I haven't lived here in forever.
How am I supposed to know if they don't put up a tower?
"If they don't put up a tower."
-Dude, honestly, super not chill. -No.
And I'm using that term intentionally.
Fuck, that's good.
But I don't know how good because my phone can't tell me.
[sighs] Namaste.
- Oh, wow. - This is my journey.
[laughs]
This is my journey.
Oh, what the fuck? What the fuck do we do now?
Talk. We can talk.
I don't even know what hospital you were born in.
Fletcher Allen.
- In Burlington? - Yes.
- What time? - 6:13. 6:13.
- A.m.? - P.m.
- Oh, no, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.
That is so you. It's so fucking accommodating.
And you know what? You did that because you wanted to hold that over your parents' heads
for the rest of their lives. I get it.
Very you. What else?
- About? - That day.
- The day I was born? - Yes.
I don't remember.
Aside from the impeccable timing. I don't know.
You'll have to ask my parents.
I know that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck,
and my mother and I both flat-lined but...
here we are.
God, it takes a lot of shit to get here.
Every season of Alf? I watched the shit out of Alf . I had an Alf doll.
- Why're you eating jammy? - I'm not eating jammy.
This is super fucking raspberry preserve.
- Not raspberry preserve. - Yes, you put preserves.
- I'm not. - You were putting them.
In fourth grade. I'm eleven and she says...
So your parents are getting divorced.
Yeah. She overheard a conversation between my older brother and her older sister.
My point is, even land mines can fuck shit up, right?
Anyway, this little cunt!
Ten year, that's a ten-year-old cunt. That's good. That's healthy.
She said all this shit.
And all of a sudden... And I'm like...
Literally, she can fucking little,
and the fucking sky is falling on me.
And...
I'm just fucking bawling uncontrollably, and...
I look back and I actually fucking feel bad for that fucking kid.
Oh, God! And that's when I started fucking being a dick.
Lee Oprah has told everyone to give him a blow job...
For real. There aren't any Hispanics in Vermont.
Okay, sorry. We'll do that again.
No, but it was just be weird because
After you told everyone that, it's like the demographic
of whatever in my high school, the demographic of people who desired me
totally changed. All of a sudden the grossest, seediest guys were calling my house.
Your old man must have been super pleased.
It's not like...
You didn't lose your virginity to Ben Ralthesberg, right?
[laughing]
- Honestly, Joe. - I know. It's hard.
-We've been through the darkness. -I know, I know.
It's hard for me to know who was first.
'Cause... Um...
There were two of them.
Damn.
Wait, what, in consecutive days?
Like a double team?
I was on a recruiting trip
to Tufts and we went to a party at the Hockey House.
And there was this one hockey player and he was really, really, really sweet.
At that time, he was sweet. But, I don't know.
Anyway, I think he was Canadian.
What are you doing?
- What are you doing? - Just stop.
Where's the Xanax? Where's the... Is there, like, NyQuil?
I want you to stop. Because you know what I can do?
I can unlearn this.
I can...
[takes deep breaths]
Jesus...
I can...
You think this was easy for me? You think this was easy for me?
You said you had a two-girl situation before we got together.
Two vaginas aren't gonna fucking punish anybody.
It's two dicks we're talking about. Two hockey playing, motherfucking dicks.
Honestly, I would rather you get fucking voluntarily gang banged
by a bunch of terrorists.
Please. Just.
Hockey players!
If you'd actually waited and listened to the rest of the story...
If you'd been a fucking friend...
You would have heard that the second dick...
Wasn't... I didn't...
I'm trying to tell you something like a really shitty moment of my life right now.
Just to share that with you.
You can't make it about you, Joe.
I'm going to bed.
[instrumental music playing]
[Nelson] Jerry!
[man] Jer!
White Fang?
Jer, what the hell are you doing?
[Joe 2] He was actually just telling me that reading is a waste of time.
Was he? Well, he's fucking grounded.
- Nelson, nice to meet you. - You too.
What you guys doing? You guys going to work?
Yeah, I am. I'm putting a couple of lift hours in a lodge in MadRiver.
He's gonna fucking watch.
-Nice job. -Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Come on, Jerry. Let's go.
Get in the truck.
-Have a good one. -You guys need a hand or anything?
Yeah, I wish, right?
No, no, no. Seriously.
Serious?
[Nelson] You just wanna make sure you go with the grain.
Yeah. I'm not a complete fucking pussy.
Sorry. I don't know if Hollywood types know how to... [voice drowned out]
You skewered the fuck out of that.
Fuck, man. Kinda all over the place.
Was in Breck for a minute.
Ended up moving back east to work for a consulting firm.
- Sin City? - Stamford, Connecticut.
Yuck!
- It's the pets. - It was.
-What, did you get sick of the office racket? -Yeah.
And I was kinda fucked up.
- How so? - Doing a lot of blow.
Probably drinking too much.
Such is life.
Such is life. Plus, I fucked things up with the woman I'm supposed to marry, so...
[Nelson] How about yourself? Why did you leave sunny LA?
Well, it's actually not as sunny as they say.
No, I don't know. It's...
'Cause my wife would have killed me. Or worse.
Worse?
Left.
[serene instrumental music playing]
Look at that girl.
- My little Vermont Molly. - Hi, Joe.
Thank you.
Hey, this is Nelson. My new friend.
Nelson, this is that woman I was telling you about.
That woman? That woman? Okay.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to see you Nelson Riley.
- You played hockey for Tufts? - No.
- Shut your mouth. - No, ski racing.
- What's it been, like 20 years? - Do not say that.
That's not right.
Oh, my God. He skied for GMVS.
-And you went to Mount Mansfield? -Yeah.
Hey man, why don't you just stay over for dinner?
Do you mind if Nelson comes over for supper and maybe bring his little Jerry?
Well, as long as it's okay with his parents? Is it okay with your parents?
Yeah, that'll be great. I'll go get changed and be back in a bit.
- Okay. - What're you gonna wear?
We don't wanna clash. We don't wanna clash right up.
- Just, I'll figure. - Okay.
He can stay with us. Can he stay with us? He can stay with us.
Yeah, sure.
Hey listen, do not fuck this up for me.
- They were really, really good. - [Nelson] Yeah.
But you know who wasn't really good? It was Paul Epstein.
- Yeah, Paul. - Dick!
Paul was a little bit of a dick. to girls.
- But he wasn't that bad. - But he were kind of a dick.
-Oh my God! -You were friends with him. You were kinda friends with him.
I would've been friends with Doug but Doug wouldn't hang out with me.
- Because you didn't have lights. - I didn't have lights.
Hey, guys, hey.
Sorry, but I just want you to know that the more that you
focus on this exclusive ski racing exchange, what happens.
I'm gonna go like this.
And then I harvest the darkness and then what, you'll be gone.
Okay? And then, you...
You're gonna get on the ass end of a tongue lashing.
And it gets domestic, okay?
But I don't want that. I don't want that.
Because you're my best friend and you're the most beautiful woman in the world.
Aw, Joe.
Let's get domestic.
-Thank you so much. This is delicious. -You're welcome.
Well, I cooked the meat, shit lips, okay?
Okay, "shit lips" was a little aggressive, I'm sorry.
No, "shit lips" was pretty accurate.
So was it weird changing your last name?
-From? -I thought about doing the hyphenated thing.
[sighs deeply]
To what?
I thought about hyphenating my last name.
- No, you didn't. - No, I did, actually.
Well, you can't Indian-give a last name.
Because we are not Indians. Because we are not...
And moreover, we are not lesbians.
And, we are not lesbian Indians.
We're just having a conversation.
- We're just talking. - I didn't mean to...
You didn't do anything. You didn't mean to do anything.
Because it's nothing. Because nothing is nothing. Because I said it's nothing. That's why.
Oh, give me a break. My man's been through this shit.
Please.
You're gonna give me that? You know, that's...
You know what that look does?
It makes this more aggressively this.
But you know that you do this.
And that's what makes you ten times sicker than me.
Fuck it, let's just do it, let's just do it, let's just put it all out on the thing.
And let's just talk about what you would do
to make me the guy you wanted to marry.
Sometimes, I wish that you were an entirely different person.
Okay, anybody for a little sponge cake or a little wine?
It's Young Frankenstein's.
What he does.
Hey.
Here we go.
- You guys like it here? - I do.
We do. We do. We do.
I mean, it's different than, like, the last ten years.
But, it's familiar. You know, it's home.
And he did this for me. So, it gives him
a little bit of wiggle room
to be a dick.
Oh, my God. Really?
Breaks up the monotony.
- You're all right, buddy. - Exactly, dude.
-Hey, can I take him tomorrow? You guys working? -Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.
- [Joe] Glycerin. - [Nelson] Glycerin gum?
How long has this shit been in here?
Those don't go bad. They don't go bad.
No shit.
We can make whipped cream.
That's a fuckin'...
♪ Our butter love, yeah some motherfucking Whipped cream ♪
♪ And we'll put some Faggot beer ♪
Mine didn't work.
Yeah, mine was to the tune.
♪ Is a faggot berry ♪
The best night ever.
-Let's just do it. Let's just do it. -What?
We're gonna put a pumpkin patch, baby. In your belly.
[pop music playing]
[Joe] Oh, yeah.
Your stupid face. I like your stupid face.
Comb my hair. I was kidding. I was just kidding.
You know I'll only go down on you if you got these on.
That's good. Then I can actually see what's happening.
[laughs]
- You'll suck my dick. - Done and done.
[serene instrumental music playing]
[Joe] Hey, you wanna have kids?
Yeah, sure.
Well, I guess I'll have to meet someone that I wanna have one with first.
Well, you know, that's just science.
[Nelson] Do you guys wanna have kids?
[Joe 2] Yeah. Fuck it, right?
Wait, why did you act surprised?
I mean, Jesus, I don't even know you but that was enough, last night.
Intense.
That was, like, green tea. You should see us on meth.
[Nelson] That's fun?
Fun? That's cute. What's that even supposed to mean?
Sure. Yeah, it's fun. We have fun.
But, I honestly don't even know what that means.
Okay, Canadians. They have fun together.
-Not real people. Not real Americans. -That's not true.
-When was the last relationship you were in? -A year ago.
- Was it fun? - Yeah it was the best.
[Joe 2] We always say that when she's gone. But what happened?
I spent the down payment on our house on funding four bricks of cocaine.
Oh, right.
[Joe 2] Any thing's gonna seem fun after you do
some dumb shit like that.
[Nelson] What the fuck, man?
- Come on - No, no, that's not cool, man.
Yeah, I am a dick, but come on, man, it can't be all love all the time. It's not...
[laughs]
[Joe 2] God, may be that's why I am a dick.
May be that's why I fucking say some dick headed shit.
-Because it just seems better than the alternative. -I know.
[Nelson] The point is you are hurting peoples feelings, Okay?
And not just that, girl's feelings, they hurt different.
Those feelings go a lot different.
Feelings are meant to get hurt.
Feelings are meant to get felt.
♪
How about this, huh? Look at this.
I don't want to jinx it.
How could you not hold hands to cross a bridge?
Yeah, right.
[laughs]
- Sorry. - Thank you.
Oh man, we have to order everything, because we can't afford not to.
No, come on, this is what I'm saying. Like this face, look at this.
Look at this, look at this. Want me to do that thing? We'll do a whole goddamn procession.
This face.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Going to the bathroom. - Okay.
Should you like not be drinking?
No, it's fine.
- Really? - Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Dude, I don't wanna have a fucking penguin for a kid.
-Okay -Just dump him in the sewer. Right?
Okay, drink up. Let's fucking party.
I can't get pregnant right now.
It's a thing. I did the math. I do it every month.
-Can't get pregnant right now. -Okay, let's hypothetically, next time.
Next cycle, next month cycle.
We have a boy. We name him Jimmy Rum,
- No questions asked. - Oh, okay.
Or we name him...
- Colonel Mustard. - [laughs]
- And if it's a girl. - Mace.
Shit.
I like that.
Okay. Can I interest you guys in some dessert?
Well, do you have bread pudding?
Yeah, actually we do.
Oh, so that means we have to get that.
He doesn't have a lot of rules,
but he has bread pudding and then there's two other rules.
Okay, this sounds fun.
Give me the other two.
He can't be friends with anybody who watches Family Guy
and he always has to stop at a lemonade stand.
And I don't know why, I find those stupid rules sexy, but I do.
Well, one woman's sexy is another woman's...
Then we had to open another dining. Oh, honey, honey, come here, I was
- just talking about you. - Oh, no.
[laughs]
[Joe] Hey, that meal was amazing.
And Marie just said, you kinda just started being a chef. It's like a new thing.
Well, I am a cook. I am not a chef.
Like, whatever you wanna call yourself, that's really, really good.
I was just telling these two that their story is not so different from ours.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we just kind of, like, quit our life in LA.
Sabbatical, kind of. Just a little.
Huh?
- What did you do in LA? - He was an agent.
Well, still kinda. Still I am-ish, you know.
And I also worked in a business too.
Or a job.
That sounded bad because what I'm saying, is less business, more creative.
-Because you're creative. You're creativer than I am. -Yeah. I can't go into this.
And that's fucking good. You are the creative-est.
- Don't. - All right.
So, you guys just said, "to hell with it"?
- Yeah. - Hmm. That's noble.
Why the surprised tone from him? 'Cause you said that we have similar stories.
Similar broad strokes.
Well, then why did you guys move here?
Well, have you seen it outside. We love it here.
If you don't count November through April.
But we always thought we'll end up here, right?
Yeah, sometimes, life can be, you know, a prick.
- Yeah, but... - Yeah, well, all right. '07?
'08, right? Working downtown.
And, shit crashed, everything changed.
So what do we do? Next thing I know, we moved up here.
- Winter of '08. - Winter of '08. It's freezing.
And I couldn't even get a job, you know, making drinks.
But, um...
Okay, so wait. You just got canned?
You didn't opt out for a fucking cage-free life?
-No. -[Maria] But he wouldn't change a single thing.
That is right. She is right.
Hey, dude, would you still be pushing money around
if you hadn't got fucking dicked in the recession?
I hope not. It sucked. I mean, I probably
wouldn't have gotten help, but I was, you know, forced down.
But thank fucking god that I was.
But, you know, moved up here a few years ago. I mean, it was...
It was hard and it was dark.
But, yeah, sometimes life gives you a pile of shit and you just have to figure out a way to...
you know...
- Gross old Simon. - Right. That's right.
- Caps for me, stems for you. - Okay.
- Don't look so worried. - No, no, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm, I'm, I'm good.
- You guys are happy. - We're too old not to be.
But that first year, that was tough.
Winters are tough.
- You guys can do it, though. - Yeah.
I just, I don't wanna be blamed for, you know, everything.
Oh, my God. That's what marriage is all about.
Having someone to blame and then someone to laugh about it with.
- Those guys are great, huh? - They are.
They're good people. I like them.
Yeah, they're sweet. Just really sweet,
-But with that nice city edge, you know. It's refreshing. -That's nice.
- So you're gonna say it? - Yeah, I just did.
-Super city sweet, sweet edge. -Are you gonna say it or are you gonna keep doing that thing?
Yep.
Are you gonna say it or you gonna keep doing that switches?
It's great, it's great. It's you doing you.
-And that's fun. It's a fun show. -Yeah, yeah.
Don't look at me like that. Are you gonna say it?
-I'm saying it. I'm saying it. -This is such a great impersonation of you doing you.
No, I...
So this is you doing you.
[deeply] Who else would do me if I didn't do me?
Why did you put on movie-trailer voice for that?
Yeah, I'd think that I would do the best version of me.
Okay.
Okay. But here's the thing. You have to say it.
Because if you don't say it, it's gonna fester and it's gonna
propitiate in that brain of yours. And then, it's gonna come out
like... An... Old Faithful.
- Like a geyser? Sure. - Like an Old Faithful.
I see it. I see what you're saying. Don't get it.
- Wanna get it. Yeah. - Okay, you need to say it.
- I need you to say it. - Get your damn hands off me.
I'm gonna put my fingers so they touch.
I'm gonna put them through your whatever that is, your wing.
And I'm gonna kick you in your fucking Candy Moldonados, is what I'm gonna do.
Well, then triple bucket Shawnee gets a heel to him.
- Say it. Say it. - We agreed to disagree.
-You wanna know what it is? You wanna know what it is? -Say it. Say it...
He fucking didn't quit his job. He didn't quit his job.
He had no choice. And now he has to go back to the fucking drawing board.
And he has no choice but to accept the life he was forced into.
Not the life he chose, because what happens, with a choice,
comes that inevitable second guess.
Okay, have I ever ordered something and haven't been happy while eating it?
Okay, that one time when I was eating that baked tacs and that porchettas
and the fucking black eyed peas or whatever it was,
in that snobby, bullshit place in Wilshire,
I was stoked. But that was fucking once in how many...
All the other seven hundred thousand times, what have I done?
I've lusted after somebody else's plate.
Or something from the menu that I only knew in words.
But, like, what I'm saying is, if somebody makes you something, right?
And there's no choice, it's nine times out of ten, pretty fucking good.
You said to say it.
What about tonight?
- What about every damn night? - It's usually great.
- Usually great.
It's usually great.
Why are you making the face that you're gonna something, but, like a but, it's usually...
No, except when I'm running it.
That was only me being, doing, taking ownership for...
It is great.
We're good sharers.
Yeah, we're good sharers.
Come here.
That's good, that's good. Don't take too much off, but don't put too much on it.
- Look at all that. - That's a lot.
-That's why I'm taking it off. -Look at how small that toe nail is.
-You don't need that much. You're not painting a house. -Less.
- Is more. Less is more. - Is more.
- Less is more. - But not too less,
- 'Cause then it's none. - Getting it covered.
Hey, don't you miss me complaining about terrible scripts?
Oh, sorry. Oh, my god. I remembered something about a goat
but I don't see a goat.
Where's my goat? Where's my goat?
At the goat farm.
Okay, dig on this organic Mani-Pedi salon?
-We open it up. I'm in pop operation. -[oohing] Sure.
I think it's a good move, but I still want my goat.
I still want it. I still, I still...
No, it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.
My mouth, goat's penis, roll camera.
Would you be bummed out?
I'll be a little disappointed with the goat?
-Hey, hey, hey. -What's up, dude? What's going on?
Nothing. Painting some toes. How're you doing?
Good. What's going on?
-Hey, do you know any goat farmers? -No. I don't. Should I?
I don't know.
Also, thinking about opening a little organic Mani-Pedi shop.
Artisanal. Only using fruit pigments.
It's actually a pretty good idea.
You guys sure this is okay? I'm gonna be gone for ten days.
Yes. Oh, my God. He can stay as long as he wants.
Yeah, man, we didn't come out here so we can continue to not take care of our friends' pets.
Okay, thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Hey. Hey. Don't let the darkness in.
Don't what? I don't... No!
- Hookers and cocaine. - No, man, no.
Bachelor party. Hookers, cocaine.
Date dinner. I am legend.
No, no, no. We're going camping in the Adirondacks.
- Thank you so much. Good day. - You're welcome. Have fun.
Bye-bye.
[sighs]
Had tits over me.
- Was he ever under you? - I wish.
He's kinda like dud anyway.
But he's really good looking.
[Joe] He's all right.
- You slept with him? - What?
We were twelve when we knew each other.
But you grew up fast. Didn't you?
- If you know what I mean. - No, I don't.
- I don't know what you mean. - Right.
- In your loin you do. - [laughs] My...
Okay, it's shocking that someone doesn't like you.
I agree.
I'm the best.
[serene instrumental music playing]
♪
Joe, it's not a magic eye poster.
[sighs]
I only want to see it. We have to see it.
I've seen how rough it got, so I know what happens.
Let's just see something else.
No, it'll be good.
Not the movie but the anger.
God, you're a glutton for misery.
I got him this fucking movie.
And you're getting paid for it.
I still don't get its fucking sequel.
Okay. So, we...
We paid for a different movie. But we see this one.
- And you're a good friend. - Fuck friends.
No, I wanted him to get it.
[Joe 2] Holy fucking...
Dick sack! He's going to get a fucking franchise from this shit.
I did all the fucking light work too.
Really? It was so bad.
It's getting close to 200 million now. I mean, Americans love garbage.
Exactly, Joe.
You wanna perpetuate in an industry of garbage?
You really wanna be part of the problem?
Jocking for next million dollar comic book movie,
so that the movies you actually like are never gonna get seen or made.
Come on, you get to be a consumer now.
Isn't that relaxing?
I don't even like movies.
- Or anybody. - Right.
Garcon?
Can I have another Double Darkness please?
You mean Double Sunshine?
Well, you say milk, I say meelk.
Please.
You really wanna add more gas to the fire right now?
Are you? So, you're just asking that I don't have another beer?
[clearing throat]
Well, I recall you had a side order of fries.
What?
You don't like when I drink, I don't like when you eat. Let's just call it a wash please.
[Joe 2] I know I'm fucked up.
Please.
Baby, don't tell.
[sings indistinctly]
♪ Sure some people meet ♪
♪ Hear too much But, baby ♪
♪ Don't tell our friends About me ♪
♪ Babe... ♪
Fuck you.
Come here.
I don't give a fuck. Like people fucking play like...
Like they are playing fucking fantasy football. I don't give a fuck.
I wanna be here dude. Dude, I wanna be here.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
'Cause you fucking made me do this, beer.
What?
Talk about sleeping around...
With a dog...
[instrumental music playing]
♪
- What's up, dude? - Hey, man, what's up?
Nothing.
-Here. See if we have a way to open that. Open it up. -Okay.
Yeah, honey. Yeah!
- [woman] You dropped it. - [man] I got it.
[Joe 2] Oh, man.
- That's a fucking chest. - Yeah.
Don't tell anybody.
About the Missy river beer cage?
-Yeah. -Who the fuck am I gonna tell?
I don't know. It's just...
I just... This is my spot.
Okay, dude...
I am not gonna...
No, I know, I know. No, that'd be crazy
Yeah.
You think I could have a job as a bartender?
Have you ever worked behind a bar before?
No.
Sure.
Cool.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
You don't wanna do that though?
Yeah, just for now.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Hey. - Hi.
Small town life.
So, look around. Look, there's water,
the sun is shining on the water, there's a covered bridge.
There's a barn, it's decaying, the exact, perfect Vermont-y way.
- Amazing, right? - It is. It's so pretty.
- That's convincing. - Right.
It's great. I don't know why
I can't, why anyone can't just appreciate the moment.
Well, maybe it's because you're 28?
- I'm 32. - Oh, I like you much more now.
Thanks. No, it's just, I came here to relax.
I came here to just take a breather for a minute and just stop and...
Now all I'm worrying about is just everything.
Like I'm just worried. I'm worried that tomorrow something terrible is going to happen.
I just feel like everything's just going to fall apart.
I remember when I was 29, I spent the whole year
obsessing about turning 30. The whole year? That's all I thought about?
And when the day came, and I turned 30, it was like,
Oh, I'm 30. I wasted a whole year.
I mean, kids? Fuck!
I don't even know if I've begun to start loving myself.
I think I'm right there, but I can't,
I can't live for other people. I can't do that.
Kids give you someone to lash out at.
Aging is the antidote.
There'll come a time when you just cannot be miserable.
-You can't afford to be miserable. -I hope you're right.
You know, I'm in my thirties now and I've...
I'm starting over and I've dragged the guy who has...
Who had a career and I
-brought him right down with me. -Oh, you did not drag a guy down with you.
Well, I don't know, maybe you did.
You guys came here for the geographic marital fix, right?
You had a couple of months out of that, maybe?
You're young, you don't have kids.
Yeah, you could.
Oh, no. That's not... We don't... I don't... That's not...
♪
So it's not really cocktail country up here. It's pretty much beer, wine.
- Occasional martini. Okay. - Okay, I'll learn.
- What? - Nothing.
- Right on. - Okay.
- You good? - Yeah, I'm good.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
♪
- Jerry... There he is. - Hi.
Oh, you look like you don't care about me. I like it.
- How're you? I'm good. - How're you? Good.
I guess the honeymoon's over, buddy.
- How did he do? - He's the best.
- Yeah, he's okay. - How was your trip?
- It was pretty gross. - I get it.
How's the transition going?
It's, er, good. It's... [sighs] Yeah.
You guys didn't kill each other, so that's a plus, right?
- What does that mean? - No.
No. Just that, you guys, you know, it's difficult
when you go from one extreme to this.
Well, yeah. Yeah. Obviously.
What did you mean, though, by that we haven't killed each other yet?
I shouldn't. That...
Come on. Just say it. 'Cause I need a little perspective.
You guys are great.
- But? - You're passionate.
Passionate? You make it sound like it's a bad thing.
I don't know. You guys, I mean, I'm probably
putting these feelings out by myself because I don't have a choice,
but you guys are fucking crazy.
You're not crazy, but it's crazy.
You guys together, which then makes me feel like it's...
more than okay to be alone,
That is fucking terrible to say to someone and that's not what I meant.
This is...
I was talking about myself.
-It's fine, it's fine. -I'm so fucking hungover right now.
Fuck! My buddy left his wallet in my truck.
I should probably bring it over to him.
Yeah.
That...
- Don't take that way... - No. God, no, no.
Okay. Sorry.
[sighs]
-Great, that's hurtful. I guess he is gonna... -[laughs]
-Yeah, no... - stick around for a little while.
-I'll pick him up in like a half an hour. -No, he's fine.
He's fine here.
-I didn't, I didn't... -Don't even, I'm not... Didn't even...
Hey, guys.
How're we doing?
- Fine, thanks. - Good, how are you?
I'm actually all right. Thanks for asking.
-What can I get you? -You don't have a white Bordeaux. Do you?
I do.
Funny you should say. I've been super in mineral-y whites.
-I'll have an old fashioned. -Right. Have you had the Double Sunshine?
- I don't know what that is. - It's a beer.
But, I gotta be honest, it's much more than that.
It's a game changer. That's for sure.
I'm not in the mood for a beer, so I'll just stick with the...
Oh, it's more than a beer, though. That's what I'm saying. It's more than a beer.
It's made just down here. Just down yonder in town.
I'm gonna give you a taste.
It's actually on me. This is what you're gonna have. 'Cause you're gonna love it.
You're gonna fucking love it.
[man] Anyway, so, yeah, we actually tried to sign him a few weeks ago.
One of his reps just happens to split.
[woman] That seems crazy.
[man] Yeah, I know. You don't leave once your guy has got heat.
The buzz was that he was too tall to be a star.
But, I know he's got the fucking goods.
For us it kinda works 'cause we don't really rep lot of actors, it's mainly athletes.
[man] I think he can put asses on the seats for sure.
Okay.
Who put you up to this?
No, it's good. It's funny.
Was it Donny? It had to have been Donny. Who fucking else would it be?
He knew you guys were coming out here. But how would he know that I work here?
Fucking dicks.
It's funny. It's a good bet.
The jig's up.
What's he talking about?
What are you doing?
Okay, 'cause you are talking about Dave.
You're talking about my guy.
And here's the thing, dipshit. It's not that he's too tall to be a star.
'Cause he is a star because I made him a star.
He's too tall to be a superstar. The T Cruises, the Brad Pitts.
I just started to fucking accept this whole...
Buddy, I don't know what the hell is happening here, but...
Dude, please. Honestly, I know you came up here to look at the leaves. So just enjoy it.
Drink a Craft Beer. Check out the girls.
[man] I didn't mean to upset you.
Upset me? You think I'm fucking upset? You think this is upset?
You think I feel threatened?
You think I feel threatened because I'm pouring you drinks
and talking about fucking mineral-y whites?
You think I don't have the gravitas to bury you?
You don't think that? Because what I'll do, I'll shove my gravitas up your ass.
You dirty cunt.
[man] Okay, listen, first off, this isn't appropriate.
-It's inappropriate? -Yeah, you wanna go outside we can do that.
If I wanna...
Sit down, 'cause here's the deal.
Your shit-take agency, won't ever
rep another actor, not name Cory, for the rest of...
Fuck it. Have Jimmy Lawrence. Let me give you the guy that hosted Double Dare.
Okay?
And we' cause it even, okay?
But then what I'm gonna have you do is, I'm gonna have you get on all fours next,
ad I'm gonna have you crawl. I'm gonna have you crawl to get to a place
were I'm gonna even entertain the thought of letting you suck my dick.
Okay? Because I'm coming back and I'm taking them all with me.
'Cause this place is fucking dead, anyway.
Hey, dinner's on me.
- I'm assuming he's fired. - Yeah, I'm assuming he quit.
So, same thing.
You can fool people, but you can't fool yourself for long.
You tried, but... So fuck it.
So fuck it. There's still so much to do. There's still so much to do.
We can do this. We can fucking do this.
But just not now. We can do it later when we are fucking old.
This is the thing... We can't, we tried. It's just, I'm not done.
Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. How the fuck are you gonna say this?
Joe.
We can't do it. I can't do it. I can't be here.
If we're gonna leave, we gotta leave.
Like, we gotta go fucking deep into the canopy.
Go to Istanbul. Fucking Morocco. I don't give a fuck.
But it's gonna follow me.
And I can't get away. It's not. This isn't, This isn't...
This wasn't part of the plan, we're supposed to get away.
What are you saying? I don't know what you're saying.
What I'm saying is that I have spent ten years, ten years becoming this person.
Sure, I talk about how much I hate him. I fucking want to kill him sometime.
But I just don't really want him to die.
Okay.
Joe.
Hey, hey, hey.
We can do this. We can do this. This isn't going anywhere.
We can do this and I want to do this. And we will do this.
But not right now. Can we just do it when we are old?
- So you wanna go back? - I wanna go back.
- Is that crazy? - No.
No, it's, it's not crazy.
- Hey. - Hey.
You should go.
Yeah, I know. This place is a...
What do you mean "you"?
I did this.
I dragged you here.
I did this. I did this.
We did this.
- No. - Yes.
We dragged us out here.
This is not gonna work. It's just not gonna work here.
It's fine. That's fucking fine.
'Cause I tried. I fucking tried.
I was... The fuck.
I know, I know this is gonna sound stupid...
- No, it's fine. - I don't have an identity.
Don't pull that shit, dude. I don't have a fucking... Jesus! Are you fucking 27?
Don't make me feel stupid about it.
I'm not. I'm just saying. Come on.
What am I?
My wife.
I can't just... I can't just be your wife.
-I'm just saying that's just what you are. -A man, a man, a man
can't be my big crowning achievement.
Okay, come here.
Hey. Nobody's saying that's your fucking crowning achievement.
You can do whatever you want. Whatever you want.
And I just, honestly...
We can go get the fucking crown.
Hey.
When we were leaving LA.
When we were leaving LA...
- Nothing... - What?
Nothing. Nothing.
-What is it? -I didn't think you'd actually come.
Well, you fucking know me well, huh?
You didn't think I'd come? You didn't think I...
I'm fucking here, okay?
It's not you.
You're gonna give me the "it's not you, it's me" bullshit?
It's us.
It's not you... You... It's me.
You know what that fucking means. That means it's me
when you say that bullshit. Don't you think I fucking know it?
You don't think I fucking know?
You think I fucking watched... I watched this shit.
I watched me do the things that I do.
And you still do them. That's the fucked up thing.
[crying]
- We can go to therapy. - I don't want to go to therapy.
- What's that gonna do? - I'll take fucking drugs.
I'll do whatever it fucking takes.
I'll take a fucking bullet for you, you know that.
I just wanna be alone. That's it.
I just wanna be alone.
You want a divorce.
No. That's not what I'm saying. I didn't say that.
Then you wanna live on this opposite side of the country?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe.
Like, for a little bit, I don't know.
- Oh, that'll look good. - What?
That'll look good?
I'm so sick of fucking giving a shit about what things look like.
I've spent my whole life worrying about what things look like.
It's all I do. It's all I do. Just worry about what it look like.
And on the outside everything is great. And on the inside,
I'm fucking falling apart.
And I just wanna like, like, wanna actually like the person who is on the inside.
I wanna actually, like, enjoy and accept this person.
Just for the moment. And maybe, with a fucking smile on my face.
For, like, a second. That's all I want.
Well, fuck, man.
I thought I was the selfish one this whole time.
That's some shit, huh?
- [thud] - Joe!
[Jerry yelping]
[somber instrumental music playing]
A little help! A little help!
Doctor!
[doctor] What happened?
I fucked up.
♪
["Speed Of The Sound Of Loneliness" playing]
♪